Our Wish Baby

Gemma Cait was due November 11, 2018. 11:11 is when you’re supposed to make a wish, so November 11 must be the best day for a wish to come true. Our sweet baby was so much more than a wish. She was dreamed of, prayed for, and definitely wished for. We had been trying for a while when I got pregnant the first round with fertility medication. We were over the moon! I knew God wouldn’t give me this baby after trying for so long just to take her away, but I still prayed for her at least a couple times a day. Specific prayers like for a full term delivery, a healthy baby born past his/her due date so I knew they would be fully developed and I’d get to bring them home. I’ll say it again, I KNEW God would not give me this child to take them away.

            When we first saw her heartbeat I was amazed to say the least. The doctor was showing us where her heart was and described it as a “perfect gem, like a diamond” which is partly where her name, Gemma came from. Dayton is the gem city and it just seemed to fit. We chose the name Cait because it means pure and our baby girl was certainly that.

A few weeks later I had what is called a missed miscarriage. That means I had no signs of miscarriage that some people get. No spotting, no cramps, and I still had pregnancy symptoms that make you think everything is going well. I was completely shocked when I went in for a routine appointment where they would be doing another ultrasound. I was amazed at how much this little baby had grown. She actually looked like a baby this time. We saw her arms, legs, and the sweetest little profile.

 I was taking it all in when I realized the doctor still hadn’t said anything. I knew something was wrong the moment I looked at him. I remember grabbing Tim’s hand as the doctor tried to speak. It was unexpected for him too. He had to clear his throat a couple times before he said those terrible words nobody wants or expects to hear “I’m so sorry, your baby’s heart has stopped.”

The rest was kind of a fog as he explained why this might have happened and that there was nothing I did or could have done differently. The nurse had immediately left the room and the doctor started discussing my “options.” My body had not started to deliver the baby on its own and since I was still producing pregnancy hormones the doctor had said it could be several days or even weeks before the baby would come on her own. Because of this I decided to have a D&C, which was scheduled for the following day. I can’t begin to describe the emotions I experienced over those first days of agony in this post.

We were in a state of shock by the time we got home from the doctor’s office. Looking back I still can’t believe I insisted Tim went back to work that day. They quickly sent him right back home but on the way he was rear ended at a red light. I lived off of ice cream and chickfila for days maybe even weeks. (which reminds me of my freshman year of college, but for a completely different reason) We had just moved into our house and we were planning to paint the living room so we hadn’t moved the furniture in there yet. Tim set up the recliner in front of a tv and that’s where I stayed, surrounded by unpacked boxes, for the first few days.

When we were driving to the hospital I remember feeling like we were in a funeral procession. Except there was no police escort, no line of friends and family following behind us, just Tim and I in our car driving through traffic in a daze. It had all happened so fast there wasn’t any way for family to come and there wasn’t really a need for them to either. I’ll do another post in the future about my experience at the hospital and the emotional battle of grief that come after events like this.

I’m sorry to our family and friends that are surprised by this information but I know you will understand how incredibly hard it was for us to call people out of the blue and explain to them that there was this baby who has consumed our hearts and souls that they will have to wait until heaven to get to meet. The only way I could have survived this trial is through God’s grace and guidance. For the first time in my life I have had to cling to the fact that God’s plans are always greater than our desires. Which has been an incredibly hard thing to do and at times a daily battle. If you don’t know where you are going when you die please send me a message, I’d love for you to meet my Gemma and my Jesus someday.

Thank you for taking the time to read this post. My hope is that by sharing these personal stories I will be able to help bring understanding to some and to let others know that they are not alone in this particular walk.